Saturday, 31 July 2010

Scottish Tony

Scottish Tony phoned last night to see if I wanted any work, he's picking me up at 7. I don't mind Tony but he has 2 annoying faults:
1. He's Scottish. Don't get me wrong I'm not a racist, I love most races of people (except American's) Tony believes England is crap and not a patch on Scotland. He says the English are thick and rude and that Scotland and the Scots are a far better quality product. Thing is he has lived in England for 18 years - If you hate it that much Tony, go home.
2. He's a football fan. Still not a major problem I am a life long supporter of Nottingham Forest. But Tony is a Rangers fan; I neither know nor care anything for Scottish football its rubbish. All I know about Scottish football is that Forest bought Pierre Van Hoojjdonk from Celtic who single handedly got us relegated from the premiership after he went on strike.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Everyone's a winner baby

Can't believe how lucky I was today. As we got back from the shops this morning we were listening, as always to the local Millennium 106.5 FM radio. Every Saturday they have started this new competition and I've been tuning in.

Anyway, the quiz goes like this:

1. They open the phone lines and ask a simple question, this is to get everyone to ring and to get 2 contestants for the main quiz.

2. If you get through on the phone the DJ (Peppy Coulson) takes caller after caller "on air" till he gets a winning answer.

3. You answer the question and then and only then do you win the right to play for the big prize, in the big game called "FATAL FINAL".

4. 60 seconds of general knowledge questions to the 2 final contestants.

5. The most correct answers secure a place in "THE YES/NO GAME".

6. You face Peppy Coulson head to head in this classic game;

The prizes are as follows:

· if you do 10 seconds or less you get a CD (this week was Elton John's greatest hits)

· 11-20 seconds is a CD and a Millennium 104 goody bag

· 21-29 seconds 2 mugs and a limited edition "I ♥ 104 FM" sweat shirt

· Over 30 seconds and it's the star prize of £50 gift voucher for Mona Lisa's the poshest Italian restaurant in Oldham town, which isn't hard.

As I was saying this was a lucky day, the first question asked was which ex-DJ was attacked by a crazed fan in Nottingham earlier this year?

I'm sure no-one rings this bloke, because I didn't phone until half way through the second song and it only rang once before it was answered by Peppy himself, they can't have many people working for the show. "Dale Winton" I said and he played this tape of a bloke shouting "YOU ARE A WINNER!" and I knew then that I was through to the next stage.

What they did next was quite good. To save your phone bill they ring you back straight away and you and the other contestant chat and have a laugh with Peppy. He asked me what I did for a living and I lied and told him I was the Managing Director of a local security firm. He asked me what the company was called and laughed when I told him that I couldn't tell him for security reasons.

The other bloke was a teacher from Bacup (tramp) and was trying to win the star prize for his wedding anniversary but Peppy took the piss and said he should put his hand in his pocket if he really loved his wife.

I won the toss and he went first answering 7 correct. I had the harder questions but somehow managed to equal the teacher. Peppy said he couldn't believe it, it's the first time 2 people had tied on 7 points a piece, although to be right the quiz has only been going 3 weeks.

The tiebreaker question was a sudden death "whoever answers the question first " and they put this sound effect on of a drum roll. Its supposed to make it scarier but to be honest it didn't bother me. The question was unbelievable it was "Name the county also known as the English Rivera"? "Cornwall! Its Cornwall!" And that was me through to the "Yes/No Game".

The first and last time I played the game was at school, a teacher there used to do it if he'd given you lines. For example, let's say you were given 4 sides of lines to do, you could play the yes no game and if you won he'd wipe the slate clean, but if you lost your 4 sides would become 8.

Peppy thought he was the master of the game but he hadn't crossed me yet. All I said was "I might be", or "it could be" or "don't know" and I smashed him out the water. He got dead mardy at the end and said I was lucky "yes I'm lucky Peppy, or maybe you're crap!"

Jess wasn't that impressed, you would have thought that having a games master as a husband would have influenced her in the love making department but no, a peck on the cheek was the best I got.

Tuesday, 6 July 2010


I am really busy booking gigs for my new show. booked Guildford, Lowry, Brewhouse in Kendal, The Met Bury to name but a few.

question - how do you measure fame?

I need to know.

Maybe I need one of those Mary Poppins tape measures.