Tuesday, 26 April 2011

lies lies lies

Well, whilst you're all building road blocks and coning off your Crescent in preparation for the Royal Wedding I will be putting my suit on and working. Some idiot booked a gig this Friday, how was I suppose to know that our future King would marry some Coal miners great, great, great grand daughter? So here you go, here's my apology to the couple "Dear William and Kate sorry for ruining your wedding plans, I'm sure a few of your guests will turn up, if they don't I'm sure they'll video your big day."
I'm doing a tour of my story in show business. It's called When Will I Be Famous and in it I'm telling the truth about my life in the celebrity eye, or lack of it. For the last 16 years I have tried and failed to become famous, in this quest I have:

1. Lied to John Peel about my life of crime (Try writing 'Reformed Burglar' in any internet search engine I'm top)

2. I lied to various News programmes (GMTV, BBC NEWS 24, East Midlands Today!) on numerous occasions to give my views about being a reformed burglar, theft and debated with the Home Secretary Jackie Smith how she should deal with criminals.

3. I walked across the country, coast to coast with no money, accommodation or food. Performing each evening to survive.

4. I emigrated to Poland to reverse the immigration trend of a few years ago and appeared on there equivalent of This Morning.

5. I sold the first performance of a play on eBay. here

6. I lived in a tent on Hampstead Heath for three months whilst at Drama School.

7. I performed in a porn film. (although perform is probably not the word my co-star would use)